A Song for People Who Never Watch Star TrekThere was this guy
His name was Jim
You can call him Kirk
Or the Captain
He had a tan
And lots of women
Every episode
He got to blow his l***
And that's why I'm in a Star Trek bandI love gettin' hummers from chicks dressed as Klingons
Bumpy heads bobbin' up and down
Like their necks have a spring on
And I know their teeth hurt
But I still get my thing on
And that's why
And that's why
Baby Take Me to Your Nuclear WesselBaby, take me to your nuclear wessel
I want to sneak around I want to touch your mouse
I want to alter your chemistry
Advancing your technology
Hello, computer!
Baby, can I ride your nuclear wessel?
Lie on the floor or I will have to stun you
Belt Buckle Tractor BeamI’m gonna build a tractor beam into the front of my belt buckle
Lock on to an alien and draw her deep down in to suckle
And if that doesn’t work, well, I’ll probably do the knuckle shuffle
My warp core is on overdrive and your shields are already down
You push I pull. You push I pull. You push I pull.
And you come to…
Fully FunctionalI worm your hole and I milk your way
I tap that a** just like George Takei
I breach your core till you’re gonna blow
I make you come, I make you boldly go
I shouldn’t have to tell you, baby
I’m fully functional
I'm Dead, JimI was running Romulan ale
Across the Neutral Zone
Picked up a hitcher around DS4
So I wouldn’t warp the years alone
He was as thin as a skeleton
And his uniform was torn to shreds
I said, “Buddy are you okay?”
It's Dead, JimFirst they took my TOS
Then they took my TNG
Said “bon voyage” to Voyager
Now there’s nothing left for me
Decommissioned DS9
Now there’s no more Enterprise
Erased the animated show
Jim Beam Me UpWell I’m a sittin’ on the Enterprise
Snackin’ on bourbon and replicated fries
Starin’ at the stars, I take another sip
Feels like my brain has abandoned ship
Spoke to a Vulcan just the other day
Said he had transferred from the Botany Bay
Said he liked it here cause we had plenty of beer
Kill Kill Kill Kill KlingonsThrough space
Through time
We don’t care what we find
Only one thing on our minds, it’s…
Kill Kill Kill Kill Kill Kill Klingons
Kill Kill Kill Kill Kill Kill Klingons
KirockLay your head and go to sleep my child
And I will tell you tales of yesterday
Listen to the story of our savior
And what came to pass that fateful day
Hayaho
Paying homage at the ancient temple
The daughter of the chief she found him there
Please State the Nature of the Medical EmergencyI got a bladder infection on Rigel VII
A bladder infection, oh no
I got genital warts from Mr. Warf
I got genital warts, oh no
I need a rectal exam
From a hologram
QAre you a wizard?
Are you a god?
Are you here just to piss off Picard?
Oh, what do you care?
Are you surprised?
No one likes you here on the Enterprise
Why do you do
RandShe had long legs and blond hair
And a skirt cut to here
She's the sexiest go-go boot wearin' little hottie
In the final frontier
She had a digital clipboard
As she walked down the hall
And when she looked at the bridge crew
She knew that she could have sex with 'em all
Spock Me Shock MeWell, I got blood wine flowing through my veins
And some punk ass Vulcan trying to meld my brain
I got the captain screaming at me better Make It So!
Yeah, beam me up Scotty gotta Go Go Go Go Go
Spock me, shock me, green bitch rock me go
Work me, jerk Me, Captain Kirk me go
SuluThey made me drive the damn ship for a five-year tour
I never got a medal and I never got to score
I never saw a piece of the action I got so g***** bored
I chased the f****** captain with a mother*** sword
I’m Sulu
Well I don’t like the Klingons, I got no love for Romulans
And everybody thinks of me as their little yellow friend (He’s different!)
The Saddest Song Ever Written About Star TrekIt was a warm summer’s night when I sat down to write
The prettiest song ever written about Star Trek
The sky was clear
Full of stars above
I thought of Kirk and his crew
And their mission of love
And I sang the first verse
Trekkie GirlShe knows every episode
She wears the boots that go-go-go
She's got a red miniskirt
She makes me play Captain Kirk
Trekkie girl, Trekkie girl
We go to conventions
She gives me erections
TrekquiemI lost my baby
Let me tell you
Right around episode three or four
He put on a shirt of a red hue
And then he walked right out the door
He said he'd be safe, not to worry
The captain was coming along
Warp 11We got warp drive coursing our amps
And photon torpedoes hiding in our pants
We're on a five tour just like mr. Spock
And the prime directive is to rock
We got dilitrium crystals in our guitars
And we're the loudest thing from here to Mars
We'll screw the universe if we get the chance
What Would William Shatner DoI’ve got a girl, the coolest girl in the world
But she ain’t fly for the guys in sci-fi
And I’m a guy with a model Enterprise
Imagine her surprise if she ever finds out
I’ve got a queen, but she only wears blue jeans
And I am a guy in Kirk t-shirt
Black boots and a red miniskirt